Men at Watch

So, given that none of you live in a cave, I'm sure you all know that there's a really big movie coming out this week today based off of a graphic novel. Yes, Wonder Woman finally has her own animated DVD! I don't know about you, but I'm very excited.

Also, I guess there's a movie called "The Watchmen" out too. I guess it's been in the works for a while now. If it's anything like the animated series, this "The Watchmen" will be yet another silly kid's movie.



C'mon, guys, get it together! I don't think Neil Gaiman would appreciate you butchering his masterpiece like this.

Honestly, why must everybody still think comic books are for kids? It just breaks my heart. Why, things like this could drive a man to drink.

BONUS VIDEO CONTENT:

ONE OF US, ONE OF US

I suppose after our President's shocking reveal that he collects comic books, the following story was inevitable.


Well-played, Onion. Well-played. Still not the geekiest link I've seen relating to our new President, tho'.
(thanks, Ragnell!)

T.G.I.Batman

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Remember, if you loved me, you'd buy me this t-shirt. Or this one. Or maybe this one or this one. Clearly, I'm not picky.

Batman says "Right On!"

Batman and The Joker teach us about Sexual Harassment -

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Also, Indian food is delicious -

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

And here's an actual, genuine, non-Batman related PSA (sort of) -

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

And if you want even more Batman-related funny, I direct you to this gem unearthed by Beaucoup Kevin.

Hurm

July 17th, 2008. CGI explosion in clip this evening, Billy Crudup on giant greenscreen. The fandom is afraid of it. I have seen its brief preview. The Hollywood is extended flash and the flash is full of stars and if the stars finally gloss over, all the fanboys will moan. The accumulated addition of all their SFX and smashed pumpkins will foam up about their eyeglasses and all the geeks and Alan Moore purists will look up and shout 'Save us!' And I'll look down, and whisper 'Meh.'

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good movies like Iron Man, or Spider-Man. Decent movies, who believed in a continuity's dissolution for a movie's pay. Instead they followed the exacts of Englishmen and scholars and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole PR campaign stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell, all those purists and intellectuals and hysterical types, and all of a sudden everybody can think of smart-ass things to say.

Waiting for an actual whole movie to critique in all this snark and thunder.

I'm not stuck in this fandom with you.

You're stuck in this fandom with me.

Robin's petty writer's block

Batman: How's that Great American Novel coming along, old chum?

Robin: Truthfully?

Batman: Always, my youthful ward!

Robin: I haven't written a thing in weeks! You'd think I'd have hundreds of ideas from all our adventures as the Dynamic Duo but when I sit down to write? Nothing!

Batman: Tsk, tsk, Boy Wonder! Quitters never win and winners never quit!

Robin: Oh, I know that Batman, but - Gosh! I get so frustrated! You want to hear something terrible, Batman? Sometimes I get so depressed about my writer's block, I feel like finding a famous author and just punching them hard in the face! Over and over again!



Robin: HOLY FIVE FISTS OF SCIENCE, BATMAN! STOP IT! STOP BEATING MARK TWAIN! I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND! HOW DID YOU EVEN TRANSPORT HIM THROUGH TIME? OH, GOD, DON'T RIP OFF HIS MUSTACHE! HUCKLEBERRY FINN IS AN ENDURING CLASSIC OF AMERICAN LITERATURE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE, I BEG YOU - STOP BEATING MARK TWAIN!

(Image courtesy of the fine folks over at The Daily Batman)

So, is it Kitty Pryde in "That's Our Wolvie!" or Wolverine in "That's Our Kitty!"?

Now, as I understand it, the above is the cover of a new book coming out called Wolverine: First Class, which details the wacky misadventures of Kitty & Wolvie back when she said things like "Gosh! He's kinda neat-lookin'!" and he said stuff like "Grrrrrr, I'm flamin' pissed, bub! *SNIKT*".
(You know, more so than now and without any irony.)

I must admit that, at first, I didn't see any need for this book. Upon reading the solicitation copy for issue two and seeing the cover, however, I have seen the light. Look now, so that ye may also understand:


WOLVERINE: FIRST CLASS #2
Written by FRED VAN LENTE
Penciled by ANDREA DI VITO
Cover by LEONARD KIRK
The good news: Kitty's managed to figure out Wolverine's birthday and has arranged a surprise candlelight dinner with the love of his life, Mariko Yashida, as his present. The bad news: The reason Wolverine never tells anybody about his birthday is that every year on that date Sabretooth shows up to dice him into cutlets. And Kitty has put Mariko within Sabretooth's grasp!
32 PGS./All Ages �$2.99

Do you get it yet? This isn't going to be some generic, boring mutant slugfest - it's a wacky sitcom!

Every issue will showcase the lovable yet ditzy Kitty, who means well but keeps making wacky mistakes that cause HILARITY to ensue. Or is it the gruff yet lovable Ed Asner-like Logan who throws a monkey wrench into our plucky heroine's life? Either way, I'm incredibly excited by this very concept.

Let's just imagine issue 22, shall we?

WOLVERINE: FIRST CLASS #22

Kitty's in deep trouble this time! She went and made a date with both Peter Wisdom and Piotr Rasputin for the Homecoming Dance! Will Wolverine's "final solution" to the problem mean that Kitty's going to be shy one suitor - forever? Guest-starring Scott Baio as Douglock!



Not to mention the Very Special Annual!

WOLVERINE: FIRST CLASS VERY SPECIAL ANNUAL #1
Trying to keep her grades up, fighting Sentinels to stay alive AND singing in the school talent show isn't easy - so Kitty Pryde starts using Kick to give herself an extra "boost"! Can Wolverine show her that drugs are "flamin' bad" before it's too late?



See? IT ALL FITS PERFECTLY.

Mr. Van Lente? You are a freakin' genius, sir. I am SO looking forward to this.

16 Reasons Why I Should NEVER Be Allowed to Write 'The Legion of Super-Heroes'

(with apologies to Mightygodking)

1. Pages 1-22 of Issue One would be as follows:

PANEL 1 - MATTER EATER LAD is sitting at a long table, shirtless. In front of him are the following items: six bowling balls, a toilet seat, a tennis racket, a Commodore 64, two handguns, four shotguns, a big pile of dirt with farming implements in it, six pairs of high-heeled women's shoes (each in a different color) and a cage containing a terrified ferret.

PANEL 2 - MATTER EATER LAD licks his lips - long span of drool should be visible, running down his neck and face: "MATTER."

PANEL 3 - MATTER EATER LAD picks up bowling ball with one hand, pinches left nipple with the other.

PANEL 4 - CLOSE-UP on MATTER EATER LAD'S MOUTH as he eats bowling ball.

MATTER EATER LAD: "UUUUUHHHNNGGGGHHH. CHOMP. MRRPFFF! HRRRNNN, CHOMP . . . MATTER! MATTER!"

PAGE 2 - REPEAT PAGE ONE LAYOUT. This time, use the shotguns.

2. Duplicate Boy and Triplicate Girl? They'd be sent to work as janitors.

Brainiac 5: "So, instead of being just one useless person with no powers, you can be five useless people with no powers. Wow, that's awesome. Here's five mops. The Space Toilets on Level 60 are backing up."

3. Duplicate Boy and Triplicate Girl will be okay with being janitors. Why? Because they're totally doing it. Like, all the time.

That's the whole story of issue 5. They kiss in my story. Like, A LOT.

4. Also, Timber Wolf? Gay now.

Deal with it, fanboy.


5. Saturn Girl and Shrinking Violet will kill a man and then go on a cross-universe crime spree in a flying car together.

In the end, they'll fly into a black hole together while holding hands, grinning.

6. Forget Supergirl, Superboy or Jimmy Olsen - it's time for Ambush Bug and The Legion of Super-Heroes!

Versus an army of Brother Geeks!


7. Pages 1-22 of Issue 2 would be as follows:

PAGE ONE

PANEL 1 - CHAMELEON BOY is sitting quietly at a table with STAR BOY, eating Future Toast and drinking Space Juice.

CHAMELEON BOY: "So, I've been thinking about getting into male modeling-"

PANEL 2 - KARATE KID kicks open the door!

KARATE KID: "KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAH!

STAR BOY: "Hey, what are you-"

PANEL 3 - KARATE KID Karate Chops CHAMELEON BOY to death, smashes table with fist. Juice glass is sent flying vertically into the air.

CHAMELEON BOY: "But why- ACK! *gurgle*"

KARATE KID: "KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAH!

PANEL 4 - STAR BOY stands up, gets Karate Kicked to the face . . . TO DEATH.

STAR BOY: "No! Not my NOSE! *gurgle*"

KARATE KID: "KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAH!

PANELS 5 & 6 - KARATE KID pauses, catches falling glass of Space Juice in an outstretched hand with a Karate Catch. Drinks it down, then throws glass into the wall, shattering it. Assumes Kung-Fu stance.

KARATE KID: "KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAH!

PANEL 7 - KARATE KID runs back out the broken door.

PAGE TWO - REPEAT PAGE ONE LAYOUT
This time with Ultra Boy and Element Lad. I'll write some new dialog or whatever later.

8. Issue 9 - Bouncing Boy reinvents Crunk, poppin' n' lockin' and breakdancing for the 31st Century.

But disaster strikes when Supergirl headspins through an entire planet! Can the LSH stop this by Stomping The Yard?

9. Clearly, have never actually read a single issue of The Legion of Super-Heroes.


Does that JLA thing count? You know, with Dream Girl and Dr. Destiny and the multiple Batmen? No? Okay then.

10. Issue 7 - Supergirl, Superboy and Krypto steal everyone's flight rings, then proceed to fly around them in circles going "WOOOOOOO!" and play keep-away.

Later, Cosmic Boy cries, walks off muttering "21st century people are such assholes."

11. In shocking issue 10 reveal, The Fatal Five all revealed to be several hundreds of generations removed descendants of The Jackson Five! Decide to kill the Legion with upbeat R&B.

TITLE CAPTION: "Murder - As Easy as A, B, C, 1, 2, 3!"

12. Sun Boy and Shadow Lass VS. Kid Quantum and Princess Projectra! In Future Mexico!

. . .for no other reason than I want to see them running around in Luchadora masks and yelling their names.


13. Issue 11 - Forget that Justice League crossover: Dream Girl now finds herself in the 1970's!

She has zany adventures and learns about life, love and disco from a young Black Lightning and John Travolta.


14. Seriously, I've never even watched that new cartoon show version they've put out. I'm just ganking names off of Wikipedia at random here. I suppose I should YouTube the cartoon . . .



*blinks* . . . I take back what I said about Timber Wolf and replace his name with Brainiac 5.

15. Would have Light Lass and Phantom Girl spend all of issue 25 talking about how LSH's utopian society was achieved via the judicious application of Socialist Health Care, Environmental Protection, Science free of regulation by Religious Officials (i.e. the total, actual Separation of Church and State) and most importantly, the forceful overthrow of corrupt American government leaders in the early 21st Century.

Oh, and I guess they'd also fight some robots or something.

16. Infectious Lass teaches your kids about STDs! With visual aides!

You know what? Alien pustules on alien genitalia don't even have to look like anything naughty, even if that's exactly what they are. Take that, Comics Code Authority!

Y: The Last Hulk

Between severe insomnia and busy workdays at Teh Factory O' Suck, I've been slacking in my blogging. I can tell from my comments section how deeply upset and betrayed most of you feel and I apologize to you, my loyal fans.

I have, however, managed to create a fake preview for the final issue of Y: The Last Man involving a very new direction with a very large green man. Please go see it and enjoy my hard (okay, minimal) work!

Failing that, please enjoy this AMV of Jonathan "The Cake Is A Lie" Coulton's song Code Monkey that neatly encapsulates my battle with General Malaise (of the Insomnia Brigade):

One More Day . . . IN SONG! Plus, a serious PS.

I said I wouldn't blog about this but c'mon. At this point, I've seen people sharing their thoughts on OMD in blog form. I've seen them sharing their thoughts OMD in Photoshop Form and in comic spoof form. I've even seen them sharing their thoughts through the inexpert use of Fire.

But you know what I haven't seen? I haven't seen anybody share their thoughts in song! So here goes nothing. These two gentlemen will introduce you to the tune -


Now that you know the tune - sing along!


Hold On (Past Brand New Day)

I know this twist (I know this twist)
Why do you lock yourself up in your hold list?
No one can change Marvel except for you
Don't ever let Joey Q. step all over you
Just close up your wallet and your mind
Isn't it so cool to bitch this way online?

So One More Day's gone and made you want to turn around and say goodbye
Until then fanboy are you going to let them make continuity go awry?
Don't you know?
Don't you know things will change
Things'll go away
If you hold on past Brand New Day
Can you hold on past Brand New Day
Things'll go away
Hold on past Brand New Day

You could complain
Or are you addicted to all the pain?
You've got Quesada to blame for your unhappiness
Oh, baby! "It's magic, we don't have to explain this!"
Letting your e-mails pass him by
Do you really think your blog's going to change his mind?
(No, noooo!)

So One More Day's gone and made you want to turn around and say goodbye
Until then fanboy are you going to let them make continuity go awry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things will change
Things'll go away
If you hold on past Brand New Day
Can you hold on past Brand New Day?
Things'll go away (just four more years and they'll go away)
Hold on past Brand New Day

I know that you're in pain
But you hold on
past Brand New Day and
Act like you're insane
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you
hold on past Brand New Day
and you
Act like, act like you are insane

So One More Day's gone and made you want to turn around and say goodbye
Until then fanboy are you going to let them make continuity go awry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things will change
Things'll go away
If you hold on past Brand New Day
Hoooooooooold ooooooooooooon

Don't you know things will change
Things'll go away
If you hold on past Brand New Day
Can you hold on?
HOLD ON!



PS. On a more serious note, ladies and gents, I lived through the Spider clones and Aunt May's fake death. I stopped buying Spider titles after that and held to my guns until the creation of Ultimate Spider-Man. Still, don't go by my crazy example. This too, will pass, my fanpeople. It's insulting and completely ridiculous but trust me - it'll pass. Plus, I like Dan Slott and feel bad for him right now. This is like some terrible Monkey's Paw thing where his innocent lifelong wish to write Spider-Man was granted by the devil or something.
. . . ooh, situational irony.

If all of you are still p.o'ed - show me. Get off your duffs, really get out there and protest! I double dog dare all of you grouchy bloggers to start picketing outside Marvel's offices . . . dressed as Spider-Man and MJ in her classic Wedding Dress. You heard me.

Even if there's just two guys or two girls - hell, especially if there's just two guys or two girls - that'll make the news. Failing that, please show up to every convention you can in pairs, wearing Spidey & MJ Wedding outfits. It'll be both romantic, a powerful statement and a way to dissolve the stereotype that girls don't read comics - all at the same time!

Seriously, people. Actions speak louder than photoshop, fire or idiotic song parodies.