Haiku Reviews for 02/07/09

Two out of the four books I got this week had men bleeding on their covers. I am clearly into GRIM and GRITTY. On a side note, I remain disappointed that I cannot find the first issues of Incognito and Farscape anywhere. I may have to go back to having a freakin' pull list. Sheesh.

ARRRR! SPOILERS, AHOY!
LIKE PIRATES ON THE HIGH SEAS!
I PREFER NINJAS.

Wonder Woman #28 - A
Gail Simone, Aaron Lopresti, Matt Ryan

Not fond of Tresser
But that Winged Armor spread
Was KICK-ASS. Plus, apes!

Astonishing X-Men 28 - B-
Warren Ellis, Simone Bianchi, Andrea Silvestri

Story delights but
Art is like Heavy Metal
With contrast broken.

Secret Six #6 - A+
Gail Simone, Nicola Scott, Doug Hazelwood

Shocks abound in this
But Deadshot's actions astound.
Say it ain't so, Floyd!

Daredevil #115 - B
Ed Brubaker, Michael Lark, Tonci Zonjic & Stefano Gaudiano, Matt Hollingsworth

Matt and Iron Fist!
Ninjas! Drunk Master Izo!
Still, pretty grim tale.

Emma Frost and The X-Men, Part 2

Comp's still dying an ugly death but I seem to have figured out a way to jury-rig it to work for more than a few minutes at a time. Sadly, my Tech Head friend Jim is too SARS-infected for me to come near him and ask for help getting a copy of Linux to install. Do send him positive vibes, folks. Or money. I think he'd actually prefer money.

Still, screwed up as this comp is, I can't let something this awesome go unmentioned - ANIMATED EMMA FROST!

Which is to say, new Wolverine and The X-Men Trailer!



I know I already went kinda gaga about this a while back but that was when I thought A) this was just going to be some sort of Movie/X-Men: Evolution mash-up without knowing B) how much Emma Frost was going to be used. Clearly, I was wrong about a lot of things.

Dust! Mojo! Days of Freakin' Future Past, people! I don't even know who that goatee guy in the final X-Men group shot is and I DON'T CARE. This is an expansive, interesting take that's got my attention.

QUICK NOTES ON THINGS THAT WERE AWESOME:

- Emma's voice? Quite nicely done. Plus, the Astonishing uniform AND the diamond mutation? I'm in heaven. Plus, this whole new Rebound Scott/Unimpressed Emma interplay makes me smirk.

- Beast also sounds exactly like Beast should - which is to say, Kelsey Grammar-esque.

- MOJO! He and Arcade are honestly my favorite X-Men villains, simply because they guarantee a lot of hilarity and face-kicking.

- Days of Future Past used as Terminator-style motivation for Wolvie to lead the X-Men? Okay, I admit it - I'm in. I wasn't sold on the concept until just now but this? This intrigues me.

- HULK SMASH PUNY WOLVERINE!


QUICK NOTES ON THINGS THAT WERE NOT SO AWESOME:

- Teen Rogue. I don't like Teen Rogue. I've never liked Teen Rogue, no matter how awesome a job Anna Paquin did portraying her in the X-Films. Just - no thank you. The tragedy of Rogue having to have lived for so long without touching anybody loses something if she's just an whiny, emo teen. More importantly, I miss the big, badass Mississippi Marauder who loves flying around and punching people in the face a lot, cracking wise and calling people "Sugah" all the time-
. . . Yes, my 90's roots are showing.

- Teen Iceman. I don't like Teen . . . Fiiiiiiiine. *sighs* Bobby Drake is a teenager's name anyways. Let's be honest - it is kinda pathetic to go by Bobby once you get any older than 18.

- Evil Madrox army? Booooooooooo. Madrox should be snarky and fun, dammit.

- From what I can tell from this and the other promo that got taken down, Domino is now a villain and unusually . . . healthy. Neither of these, ah, developments please me.

- Avalanche's facial hair reminds me rather hilariously of Lawrence from Office Space. Makes me think that Blob will sound exactly like Milton and subsequently imagine a Magneto that sounds like Bill Lumbergh.
. . . God, now that I think about it, this actually belongs in the THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME column.

Your thoughts, gang?

My Irrational Theories for TEH FUTURE OF COMICS

COMIC: All-Star Superman

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: The series will culminate in a battle in the afterlife between Lex Luthor and Superman. Luthor, with assistance from his Goth teen wunderkind sidekick, is deliberately allowing himself to be executed at the exact time Superman dies so he can take over and reanimate Superman's corpse with his mind. This will be done using some kind of superscience that resembles magic. Superman is completely unprepared for this afterlife assault but his dead father, Jonathan Kent, upsets Luthor's plans by chipping in to help his son.

The series will end with Superman vanquishing Luthor forever and having a daughter with Lois Lane. That, or there's going to be a big reset button pushed.

COMIC: Final Crisis

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: Everybody's gonna die at least twice. Martian Manhunter will be kept dead, despite his awesome potential and love of Oreos.

Also, a cameo will occur by Gleep the Monkey. Blink and you'll miss it!

COMIC: The End of Whedon's Astonishing X-Men

IRRATIONAL THEORY: Piotr's choice of words about Kitty in the newest Uncanny can only mean one thing - Kitty Pryde is now the Phoenix. She called on it to save Earth from the Giant Bullet and is now traveling around the galaxy with Lockheed, who she's done up Silver Surfer-style to be her lil' herald/buddy. Rachel Summers, Alex and Lorna are her back-up team and together, they fight (Interstellar) crime. Expect the new title, Space X-Men, in 2009. At this point in time, this will be the only X-title in which teenagers are not told to kill people in cold blood, so I think I'll really enjoy it.

Also, Ord and Danger will escape custody, rent a one-room apartment together in L.A. and try to break into the acting business - with hilarious results!

COMIC: Secret Invasion

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: Aunt May's gonna have Skrull Jarvis' baby at the tender age of 82, due to the miraculous wonders of Skrull fertility drugs. I will cry at how beautiful all of it is . . . as will a thankful Peter Parker who will welcome his half-Skrull lil' brother with open arms. His name will be Russell and he will weigh 8 lbs. and 7 ounces, with a full head of hair.

Meanwhile, the Skrulls will explain how they hid from magic, telepaths and advanced technology by revealing a captive Rom SpaceKnight, the real non-Skrull Razorback, a bunch of dissected Dire Wraiths, a case of Aqua Velvet and a pair of rusty jumper cables. The issue will carry a MAX label warning on the cover.

Agent Brand of S.W.O.R.D. will explain to the people in charge of her agency that she had no real reason to invite the acting head of a rival intelligence agency into her HQ . . . other than a snide, petty plan to have everyone point and laugh at the grown man who answers to the name "Dum-Dum" and keeps a handlebar mustache at the age of 52 in this, the year of our Lord, 2008. Alternatively, she will try to explain away his presence by saying that everybody thought he was the guy who played Capt. Stottlemeyer on TV's Monk and they all wanted autographs. The shadowy folks in charge of S.W.O.R.D. will believe this because they are all HUGE Monk fans.

COMIC: Manhunter

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: Canceled at issue 37, in spite of gorgeous Gaydos art and well-thought-out writing. Restarted again in five months after fan outrage with a new number 1, massive promotion, and surprise writer Tom DeFalco taking over the helm.

Lasts 100 more issues until it gets relaunched yet again as Manhunter and Martian, a theoretically touching story about Manhunter getting to know her new foster daughter, Miss Martian. Manhunter and Martian will be written by Chuck Austen, drawn by Greg Land and canceled after 2 issues.

COMIC: Blue Beetle

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: Blue Beetle will become DC's top-selling comic book after his appearance on the animated show The Brave and The Bold. Beetle-mania will sweep the nation. Small children will wear Blue Beetle costumes for Halloween. Large fanboys who should know better will wear Blue Beetle costumes for SDCC. Fangirls of all sizes will demand and then wear t-shirts featuring his iconographic visage. Blue Beetle will become the first DC comic to be released in both English, Spanish and Chinese within the continental USA. Blue Beetle will go down in history as the most amazing comeback of a struggling book in the history of comics. A copy of Blue Beetle #1 will sell for 1.2 million dollars at auction in 2098.

And around issue #200, we'll see a very special issue of Blue Beetle that will have him confronting Misfit about her drug addiction. We will all subsequently learn something about ourselves.

14 Comic Book Couples I Love - Part 1 - Introducing . . .

1. Emma Frost & Scott Summers





While they are a controversial pair, to say the least, it comforts me to know that I'm not alone in loving them (Kitty/Colossus is your numero uno, Marvel? Seriously? Wow.). Not alone in the slightest, apparently.

Now, unlike my previous choices, I'm breaking this up into three parts because their history is complex enough that my inner Psych Minor feels the need to go all "Graduate Student" on their behinds. I mean, c'mon - they're X-Men. That alone guarantees my sitting here and typing for 20 minutes. :P

Additionally, they're one of the only couples I've posted thus far who have numerous, unhappy detractors. I'd honestly like to address some of their concerns with my own in-depth beliefs on why the two of them work so well. Of course, this is all just going to be one fanperson's opinion on why they're "Teh Uber-AWESOME", so feel free to deflate my pompous academic ego with a well-placed jab at any time. ;)

So, with all that said, please enjoy clicking on and finding all about . . .

Part 1A - Little Boy Lost and Found - The Life of Scott Summers

Part 1B - Poor Little Rich Girl - The Life of Emma Frost

Part 1C - Adult Situations - Cyclops, The White Queen and their future



I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I'll enjoy writing them. :)

Emma Frost and The X-Men! Oh, and Wolverine

So Kalinara found out from Blog@Newsarama about the upcoming Wolverine and the X-Men cartoon series.



Now I've been tracking the Wikipedia page about this out of morbid curiosity for some time now and let me tell you, I've mostly just been intrigued at the thought of somebody animating Emma Frost as an honest-to-God part of the X-Men. While I also liked the adult Nightcrawler who was in the promo pic (that has mysteriously vanished from said page), Emma Frost has always been one of my favorite characters and I'm excited about any media portrayal of her. Well, except for that Generation X TV-Movie. That hurt my soul.

Now, there's a lot of reasons to be tetchy and disinterested in this series, I admit. Wolverine? Kinda overexposed - to the point where people groan profanities on sight. I still think the new X-Force title is going to be nothing but unintentional satire. And teen villain Rogue? Double blecch. I like her as an adult heroine with pathos, thank you (even though Anna Paquin is always awesome).

And God help you if your fandom doesn't care for the X-Men films, Evolution or possibly even the Ultimate 'verse. The thought of a group of X-Men sans Jean and Professor X but with teen Iceman might not be your cup of tea. I, for one, am even more excited because this means that Emma Frost is now the only telepath left. God, if only this series was Emma Frost & The X-Men. Just imagine the possibilities! They could have made it just as grim and gritty as if Captain AngstClaws was in charge, only much more droll (or so I like to think).

Of course, I'm just speculating on one trailer and one rapidly mutating Wikipedia page, so I should probably shut my geeky mouth while I'm ahead.

Also, I'm a total hypocrite when it comes to the whole "Wolverine is overexposed BLAH" bandwagon . . . because I'm seriously looking forward to Logan by Brian "The K. stands for Kick-Ass writer" Vaughan and Eduardo "I was born to draw Wolverine" Risso.



There's maybe five writers and artists who could make me pick up a Wolverine title and these guys are in the top five. Vaughan's seriously the first writer since Whedon and Rucka to make me want to see what happens to Wolverine (I always thought Rucka's run on Wolverine was underrated, if just for the beautiful Darick Robertson art). Ever since seeing Risso's work for the first time in 100 Bullets, I've wanted to see his take on certain established Marvel Characters, with Wolverine at the top of that list.

But back to the topic at hand - Wolverine & The X-Men? I'm going to watch and see - if just for Emma Frost.

How about all of you?

BONUS VIDEO CONTENT:

Confusingly Inappropriate X-Men Theme Song!



Confusingly Japanese X-Men Theme Songs!

K. D. Loves Grant Morrison

So maybe I've gone a little overboard with the photoshopping here, but in a one-two punch of awesome news, it has been pointed out to me that Grant Morrison has ACTUALLY LISTENED TO TEH INTERWEB!!! OMFG!!1!

He has presented a brief glimpse of a Batcave containing a memorial for Stephanie "Spoiler" Brown in a recent issue of Batman (even if it is a sort of dream sequence)! I tip my hat to the wonderful ladies over at Girl-Wonder and When Fangirls Attack for keeping the faith.

And after eating my serving of humble pie for thinking DC was going to shaft us on a Girl Robin Case forever, I also found out today that he ended up using Emma Frost in his New X-Men run as a result of a fan's suggestion on his message board. I mean, wow. That's damned cool.

Morrison? I know you're listening right now - what with the 'actually caring about what us Internet types have to say' and/or the drug-induced Shamanistic connection to the collective unconscious - so I just wanted to say thank you.

Thanks for revitalizing Emma Frost and putting her together with Scott Summers, thus creating the most interesting relationship I've read in a Marvel comic for a very long time (and making Cyclops more interesting to me as a character by proxy). Thanks for New X-Men because, among many other reasons for loving it, it resulted in the creation of Astonishing X-Men which I absolutely adore.

Thanks for Animal Man, both post-modern and non, and his loving suburban family.

Thanks for Evil Skeets because that phrase is just flat-out hilarious to say out loud. "EVIL SKEETS!"

Thank you also for the awesomely trippy series called The Invisibles and the characters within, even though I haven't managed to find the fourth volume at the library yet.

Thanks for giving us fans an image of hope, however fleeting.

. . . Aaaaand I think I just used up my yearly quota of politeness, hope about the Internet to make real change and sycophancy. Back to my cynical hatred of all things before I run out of this emotion humans call "love" before Valentine's Day.


BONUS CONTENT!

As you may know, I'm not the only one who creates homoerotic Spider-Man joke art - there's a longstanding tradition of comedy gold already in place.

And in the spirit of cheap comedy, here's another easy joke about Spider-Man, this time referencing his unfailing love of Mary Jane (on a serious side note, Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane is actually quite lovely and worth checking out. I'm definitely picking it up in regular issue form once Terry Moore comes onboard):

NSFW lyrics, just FYI


And since I like to pretend I have too much class for cheap jokes, here's a Spidey/MJ video with a song I actually listen to regularly:

Haiku Reviews for 1/23/08

Since they seemed quite popular last time 'round, please enjoy another set of my patented Haiku Reviews!*
*patent pending


Look, there are SPOILERS -
So if you haven't read these
You should do that now.

She-Hulk #25 - Peter David & Shawn Moll plus backup story artists - C+

Jen whines, sulks and snarks
Living in a trailer park
"My Name Is She-Hulk?"

BONUS HAIKU for the Back-Up Stories:

Juggy sex? 4th wall?
Taunting the fandom's tacky
Funny! But tacky.

Crime Bible: The Five Lessons of Blood #4 - Greg Rucka & Diego Olmos - B

If I ever hit
On a woman with no face
Send me to Arkham

Young Avengers Presents - Patriot #1 - Ed Brubaker & Paco Medina - B+

Patriot and Kate?
Warlock and some Bucky too?
Past due, but good start.

Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash #4 - James Kuhoric & Jason Craig - C


. . . I never once thought
I'd see Freddy Krueger steal
A line from Watchmen.

Marvel Zombies 2 #4 - Robert Kirkman & Sean Phillips - C-

I'm also quite shocked
That zombie superheroes
Could become boring.

The Order #7 - Matt Fraction & Barry Kitson - B

Hellrung and Namor
Face off David Mamet-style.
. . . No, it's good! Really!

Astonishing X-Men #24 - Joss Whedon & John Cassady - A-

Some of this felt off
But a planet-sized bullet?
TOO AWESOME FOR WORDS

The Ultimates 3 #2 - Jeph Loeb & Joe Madureira - C+

Jeph Loeb's Ultimates,
Bob Saget's Aristocrats
"Whoa . . . THAT GUY did THIS?"

(note: above Haiku link INCREDIBLY NSFW due to language)

Wonder Woman #16 - Gail Simone & Terry Dodson & Rachel Dodson - A

Pegasus! Nazis!
Talking Albino Teen Apes!
Miss Simone? You WIN.

World War Hulk: Aftersmash! Damage Control #1 - Dwayne McDuffie & Salva Espin - A+

I can't believe it!
Funny Damage Control's back!
Just three issues? Nertz.