On Necessity, Iron Man and Matt Fraction

Me: "Oh, God, they're doing another Iron Man title? Is that even necessary?"

Kay: "I thought that was out already and called Mighty Avengers-"

Me: "Wait, hold on - it's being written by Matt Fraction."

Kay: "Oh! Okay."

Me: "Yes. So, yeah - it is necessary. My bad. All things Matt Fraction related are necessary."

Seriously, folks, this is the the third best Iron Man news I could have ever imagined reading!
(The second best being that this title would be "Iron Man and The Order" by Matt Fraction and the hypothetical best thing being that Iron Man's new ongoing writer was going to be Adam "Hypervelocity" Warren. With art by Adi Granov.)

14 Comic Book Couples I Love - Part 9

Or more accurately, 1 Comic Book Couple I Like but Kay Loves. Enjoy a slightly different version of my 14 Comic Book Couples I Love today, thanks to a quotable conversation with my charmingly insufferable friend Kay . . .

10. Apollo & The Midnighter



Me: "So yeah, I'm writing about the top 14 comic book couples I love in honor of Valentine's Day."

Kay: "Oh, okay. So naturally, knowing you, you're including CUT FOR SPOILERS and CUT FOR SPOILERS?"

Me: "Naturally! And CUT FOR SPOILERS and CUT FOR SPOILERS."

Kay: "And Apollo and the Midnighter, yah?"

Me: "Well, they're all right, but I prefer Pryde & Wisdom if I'm going to write about an Ellis couple. Besides, there's other couples I like better with more backstory."

Kay: "Fuck that! Apollo and Midnighter are awesome!"



Me: "Kay, c'mon - you almost never see them so much as kiss! Midnighter's so pissed off all the time he barely talks to his husband in his own title and they're always fighting more than they're ever making love. They're barely a couple!"

Kay: "Exactly!"

Me: "What? Whaddya mean, 'exactly'?"



Kay: "Well, you've got to have at least one couple that's like a real married relationship. Believe me, I speak from experience."

Me: " . . . touché, miss. Touché."

(I swear, that woman turns every conversation into a comic-book themed version of Something Positive without even trying)

Superteen Battle Royale - Your Thoughts Please?

VS


ROUND ONE: Classic Teen Titans line-up versus Modern Runaways line-up - who wins?

Given our familiarity lies mostly with the animated series, Kay and I based a team for the Titans on that model - which turned out pretty evenly matched.

Raven Vs Nico, Starfire Vs. Karolina, Robin Vs. Chase & Old Lace - these all seem like pretty uneven match-ups on paper. On the other hand, I fully believe that Victor could take Cyborg, Xavin could take down Beast Boy and Molly Hayes could surprise Wonder Girl or Kid Flash into outcold-land. If we vary up these match-ups, things could get even more interesting.

In the end, we both leaned towards the Runaways. This was mostly because they A)have the stealthy lack of costumes going on, B)have the son of a Skrull Warlord who's willing to kill people (yes, Xavin hasn't been shown killing anyone but c'mon, (s)he's a freaking Skrull Warlord's son, people), C) Molly Hayes sucker punched the Punisher - doing the same to Robin isn't outside the realm of possibility.

While we didn't think it'd be a rout, we felt fairly sure it'd turn into at least a draw. Also, I just plain love to imagine the Titans being utterly befuddled by these kids without costumes who fight dirty. Now, if we were talking modern age Titans with Devil Boy, the Martian telepath and more importantly, Ravager and the royally ticked off Wonder Girl, I'd probably be singing a different tune.

Now, the winner of this battle have to take on the most vicious teen team we could think of - Gail Simone's revamp of Gen13.


Now before you scoff, these aren't the same cheesecake-y scamps from the early 90's you may think you know. Every one of them just saw their foster families murdered in front of them Batman-style, because the guy who cloned their bodies and raised them to be a certain way THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY. Each of them knows they're freaks of nature and aren't terribly happy about it (save Zen Grunge and Rasta Bobby but their anger still simmers deep down). They're all smarter, more paranoid and willing to kill if need be than their previous incarnations (well, poor Roxy's certainly more prone to violence at least). Grunge killed a version of Apollo, for heaven's sake. Whichever team you choose to stand against them, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of a long, brutal battle.

Even Kay and I were uncertain about who would win what. At least I'll get to see a match-up of sorts between the Gen13ers vs the Titans in the upcoming Wildstorm/DC: Dreamwar.

The funniest part? After all this teen blogging, what I'm most excited about in the upcoming DC/Wildstorm thing is the JSA Versus the Welcome to Tranquility beat-down.

As Giffen himself so neatly puts it: "Geriatric wars, man! [laughs] Any book that's got old people pounding the shit out of each other -- c'mon! It's worth the price."

Another conversation with Kay OR At least SOMEBODY'S happy about this

Me: "So, in attempt to connect with the "comic book's fanbase", they turned him into an unemployed guy in his 30's who still lives at home with his elderly Aunt."

Kay: *laughs for a whole minute straight*

Me: "Oh, c'mon, it's not that funny."

Kay: *still laughing* Yes! YES, IT IS!"

The World's Greatest Emotionally Stunted Manchild

My friend Kay and I have pretty regular chats about comic books. She's stuck up in the mountains and gets behind on her collection a lot. She's also way behind on DC stuff, so whenever I break the news to her of strange current continuity, the result is either unhappy silence or whoops of stunned laughter.

For instance - I know that a lot of people have been upset by the way Batman, Grace and Thunder are being portrayed in the new Outsiders title. While I do think it's offensive and more than a little stupid, I also can't help but find it hilarious. Kay agreed with me at length and with her permission, I've transcribed our ramblings to the best of my memory.

Me: "So basically, they're saying that the World's Greatest Detective can't tell that Grace is bisexual and in a committed lesbian relationship with Thunder."

Kay (laughing): "You're shitting me! A 'special relationship'? Come on! Really?"

Me: "No, really! The Dark Knight - who we assume has been watching these people in his creepy obsessive way-"

Kay: "Naturally."

Me: " - can't puzzle out why a giant tattooed woman who's about as subtle as a Pride Parade in SF is so 'close' to Grace."

Kay: "Riiiight. He just thinks they share the same bed because they're cold! And she just keeps slipping and falling onto Grace's vagina. With her mouth open."

Me: "Maybe . . . maybe he doesn't even understand what 'gay' means. Perhaps he has zero gaydar. Negative gaydar."

Kay: "Ooh. That's brilliant. Do you one better - maybe he doesn't even get what "sex" is. "

Me (as Kevin Conroy's Batman): "I'm not sure what she's doing to that man but I think it's some kind of slow torture. So much screaming- My God. His wee-wee is deformed! How? Some kind of toxin?"

Kay (as BTAS Robin, trying not to die from the giggles): "Uh, Bruce? Didn't Alfred ever tell you what 'sex' is?"

Me (still as Batman, faux-shocked): "What? NO! No time for that nonsense. He tried saying something about hair in funny places but I still had to learn morse code, Krav Maga and how to escape from a straitjacket in quick-drying cement! Now stop saying naughty bad touch words and help me figure out what's going on down there!"

Kay: "Wow! No wonder Zatanna and Catwoman are always so pissy."

Me (losing it as Batman): "Maybe it's the same stuff Poison Ivy slipped me! The stuff that gave my genitals Rigor Mortis and that bizarre pus-like discharge!

Kay (taking up my slack as Batman): "Followed by a strange sense of euphoria and lightheadedness!"


Aaaaaand we really just lost it to the giggles from there.

One man's foolish mischaracterization is another's comedy gold, people. We just have to learn to laugh at it all so we don't cry. A lot.