Wednesday, April 16, 2008

My Irrational Theories for TEH FUTURE OF COMICS

COMIC: All-Star Superman

The series will culminate in a battle in the afterlife between Lex Luthor and Superman. Luthor, with assistance from his Goth teen wunderkind sidekick, is deliberately allowing himself to be executed at the exact time Superman dies so he can take over and reanimate Superman's corpse with his mind. This will be done using some kind of superscience that resembles magic. Superman is completely unprepared for this afterlife assault but his dead father, Jonathan Kent, upsets Luthor's plans by chipping in to help his son.

The series will end with Superman vanquishing Luthor forever and having a daughter with Lois Lane. That, or there's going to be a big reset button pushed.

COMIC: Final Crisis

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: Everybody's gonna die at least twice. Martian Manhunter will be kept dead, despite his awesome potential and love of Oreos.

Also, a cameo will occur by Gleep the Monkey. Blink and you'll miss it!

The End of Whedon's Astonishing X-Men

IRRATIONAL THEORY: Piotr's choice of words about Kitty in the newest Uncanny can only mean one thing - Kitty Pryde is now the Phoenix. She called on it to save Earth from the Giant Bullet and is now traveling around the galaxy with Lockheed, who she's done up Silver Surfer-style to be her lil' herald/buddy. Rachel Summers, Alex and Lorna are her back-up team and together, they fight (Interstellar) crime. Expect the new title, Space X-Men, in 2009. At this point in time, this will be the only X-title in which teenagers are not told to kill people in cold blood, so I think I'll really enjoy it.

Also, Ord and Danger will escape custody, rent a one-room apartment together in L.A. and try to break into the acting business - with hilarious results!

COMIC: Secret Invasion

IRRATIONAL THEORIES: Aunt May's gonna have Skrull Jarvis' baby at the tender age of 82, due to the miraculous wonders of Skrull fertility drugs. I will cry at how beautiful all of it is . . . as will a thankful Peter Parker who will welcome his half-Skrull lil' brother with open arms. His name will be Russell and he will weigh 8 lbs. and 7 ounces, with a full head of hair.

Meanwhile, the Skrulls will explain how they hid from magic, telepaths and advanced technology by revealing a captive Rom SpaceKnight, the real non-Skrull Razorback, a bunch of dissected Dire Wraiths, a case of Aqua Velvet and a pair of rusty jumper cables. The issue will carry a MAX label warning on the cover.

Agent Brand of S.W.O.R.D. will explain to the people in charge of her agency that she had no real reason to invite the acting head of a rival intelligence agency into her HQ . . . other than a snide, petty plan to have everyone point and laugh at the grown man who answers to the name "Dum-Dum" and keeps a handlebar mustache at the age of 52 in this, the year of our Lord, 2008. Alternatively, she will try to explain away his presence by saying that everybody thought he was the guy who played Capt. Stottlemeyer on TV's Monk and they all wanted autographs. The shadowy folks in charge of S.W.O.R.D. will believe this because they are all HUGE Monk fans.

COMIC: Manhunter

Canceled at issue 37, in spite of gorgeous Gaydos art and well-thought-out writing. Restarted again in five months after fan outrage with a new number 1, massive promotion, and surprise writer Tom DeFalco taking over the helm.

Lasts 100 more issues until it gets relaunched yet again as Manhunter and Martian, a theoretically touching story about Manhunter getting to know her new foster daughter, Miss Martian. Manhunter and Martian will be written by Chuck Austen, drawn by Greg Land and canceled after 2 issues.

COMIC: Blue Beetle

Blue Beetle will become DC's top-selling comic book after his appearance on the animated show The Brave and The Bold. Beetle-mania will sweep the nation. Small children will wear Blue Beetle costumes for Halloween. Large fanboys who should know better will wear Blue Beetle costumes for SDCC. Fangirls of all sizes will demand and then wear t-shirts featuring his iconographic visage. Blue Beetle will become the first DC comic to be released in both English, Spanish and Chinese within the continental USA. Blue Beetle will go down in history as the most amazing comeback of a struggling book in the history of comics. A copy of Blue Beetle #1 will sell for 1.2 million dollars at auction in 2098.

And around issue #200, we'll see a very special issue of Blue Beetle that will have him confronting Misfit about her drug addiction. We will all subsequently learn something about ourselves.


SallyP said...

Oh my! You've obviously bugged the editorial offices of both Marvel and DC!

K. D. Bryan said...

Well, that's because I'm Marvel_B0y.

. . . but remember, you totally can't tell anybody this. It's a secret. I could lose my non-existent job with Marvel!

First said...

Space X-Men could team up with Nova and then I'd finally have a reason to care about the X-men. Then they would all join a newly resurrected Infinity Watch. Then they would fight Thanos for awhile. Then it would probably be canceled.

K. D. Bryan said...

Indeed, First. There's a reason I only collect Astonishing X-Men and X-Factor. And I'd only buy Space X-Men if they followed your outline and I was guaranteed the triumphant return of Pip the Troll and cheerfully stupid Drax the Destroyer.