When last we left off discussing Excalibur, I was coming up with notions about how best to relate a noble team of superheroes to the process of getting hella crunk (as opposed to getting Hela Crunk, which is a horrible idea). Now, I was happy to let the matter lie but The Red Monk had the unmitigated gall to slap me across the face with a metaphorical glove by decrying my Geek Cred for not including Meggan, Captain Britain and Rachel Summers . . . so now it is ON. It is on like Donkey Kong.
The Burning Phoenix
So, as it turns out, there is already a drink named Phoenix Paradise but given that A) it is a cold ice cream drink and B) Phoenix is such a goddawfully emo character half the time, it just didn't sit right with me. Poor thing. Seriously, even her cheery Go-Go Girl costume that Deadpool had to try on for fun doesn't take away from her unhappiness. I don't think I've ever seen the girl happy unless she's making out with shirtless space men or clothes-shopping with Kitty. Yes, I know she has issues (thank you, Claremont for giving her a thinly veiled Electra Complex* on top of the Survivor's Guilt), but if I were finally living in a past devoid of genocide with free food and rent, I might enjoy it a tad more.
Anyways, here's a shot for Rachel Summers, because she could probably use three or four of them. I proudly present The Burning Phoenix (a slightly modified Flaming Jesus) - dangerous, briefly on fire and consistently bittersweet.
1 1/2 oz flavored Vodka (preferably raspberry, in keeping with all the red)
1 splash Lime juice
1 splash Grenadine
Float 1/2 oz Bacardi 151 proof rum
Pour Vodka, lime juice, and grenadine into shot glass. Then layer 151 on top from the back of a spoon. Light the 151 and shoot it while lit if you dare. If you are worried about shooting a lit drink, just blow out the flame and then shoot the drink.**
*The "hating every woman who her father dates that isn't her Mother - the mother who Claremont constantly has to creepily mention she resembles" Complex, not the "ninjas bring you back to life, you get a bad movie with Jennifer Garner and then Skrulls kidnap you for a stupid crossover" Complex.
**Do not use if housing a cosmic avatar.
Now, while there is a drink called Sex With The Captain, even I'm not tacky enough to use that drink for the purely adorable and much-missed character that is Meggan. That said, she is still deceased (for now), so a variation on a Blonde On Ice is my regretfully appropriate choice.
(Fingers crossed for Meggan's resurrection coming sooner rather than later. Hey, when Gail Simone brought back Ice, she also renewed my hope that there's still a place for happy, upbeat women in comics)
1/2 oz Creme de Banane (Yellow to match the hair)
1/2 Vanilla Schnapps (Sweet to match the attitude)
1/2 oz Peppermint schnapps (Minty to match the . . . mintiness? I don't know)
1/2 oz Vodka (So, it's either give up now or make a tasteless joke about her poorly-written crush on Colossus. I vote give up now)
Fill Cream (Aren't you glad I voted to give up now?)
Ice cubes (Because Britain is cold)
Fill highball glass with ice. Add creme de banane, followed by peppermint schnapps, vanilla schnapps and vodka. Fill with cream. Short shake.
Alternately, you could get a blender, scoops of vanilla ice cream, increase the proportions and make yourself a summer treat. Unlike Rachel, I could totally see Meggan being a sweet ice cream drink.
. . . is an alcoholic, you sick, sick little monkeys. What is the matter with you? Maybe I should just come up with a Tony Stark's Iron Bender drink to entertain you ghouls while I'm at it. God.
You people disgust me. Alcoholism is a disease, you jackals.
. . . Tony Stark's Iron Bender is actually a drinking game, which consists of the following - take a six-pack of the cheapest beer you can find in cans, drink each can as quickly as possible, crushing each of the cans against your forehead after you finish and throw them against the wall, screaming "REPULSOR BLAST!" at the top of your lungs each time you throw. The first person to finish drinking, crushing and shouting each beer in order, without mixing up the steps, wins!
. . . And Captain Britain drinks English Highballs when nobody's looking.
And because I'm getting all the classic roster done, here's a drink in honor of the most delightful character on the roster . . .
A variation on the Fuzzy Navel, naturally, but far more charming, dangerous and German.
(and him quitting the X-Men is totally idiotic, btw)
1 oz Peach schnapps
1/2 oz Vodka
1 1/2 oz Orange juice
1 shot Jagermeister
Drop the Jager quite suddenly into your Fuzzy Navel for a Bamf effect. Admire the swirls, then drink. Much like Nightcrawler himself, this will guarantee a kick you won't see coming.
And you didn't even MENTION Nightcrawler, Red Monk. So there. Shame, shame and dishonor on you for forgetting your favorite character, you punk, you.
Remember, please drink responsibly and, failing that, enjoy yourself immensely while drinking irresponsibly. Cheers and good health to you all!