Saturday, January 26, 2008

16 Reasons Why I Should NEVER Be Allowed to Write 'The Legion of Super-Heroes'

(with apologies to Mightygodking)

1. Pages 1-22 of Issue One would be as follows:

PANEL 1 - MATTER EATER LAD is sitting at a long table, shirtless. In front of him are the following items: six bowling balls, a toilet seat, a tennis racket, a Commodore 64, two handguns, four shotguns, a big pile of dirt with farming implements in it, six pairs of high-heeled women's shoes (each in a different color) and a cage containing a terrified ferret.

PANEL 2 - MATTER EATER LAD licks his lips - long span of drool should be visible, running down his neck and face: "MATTER."

PANEL 3 - MATTER EATER LAD picks up bowling ball with one hand, pinches left nipple with the other.

PANEL 4 - CLOSE-UP on MATTER EATER LAD'S MOUTH as he eats bowling ball.


PAGE 2 - REPEAT PAGE ONE LAYOUT. This time, use the shotguns.

2. Duplicate Boy and Triplicate Girl? They'd be sent to work as janitors.

Brainiac 5: "So, instead of being just one useless person with no powers, you can be five useless people with no powers. Wow, that's awesome. Here's five mops. The Space Toilets on Level 60 are backing up."

3. Duplicate Boy and Triplicate Girl will be okay with being janitors. Why? Because they're totally doing it. Like, all the time.

That's the whole story of issue 5. They kiss in my story. Like, A LOT.

4. Also, Timber Wolf? Gay now.

Deal with it, fanboy.

5. Saturn Girl and Shrinking Violet will kill a man and then go on a cross-universe crime spree in a flying car together.

In the end, they'll fly into a black hole together while holding hands, grinning.

6. Forget Supergirl, Superboy or Jimmy Olsen - it's time for Ambush Bug and The Legion of Super-Heroes!

Versus an army of Brother Geeks!

7. Pages 1-22 of Issue 2 would be as follows:


PANEL 1 - CHAMELEON BOY is sitting quietly at a table with STAR BOY, eating Future Toast and drinking Space Juice.

CHAMELEON BOY: "So, I've been thinking about getting into male modeling-"

PANEL 2 - KARATE KID kicks open the door!


STAR BOY: "Hey, what are you-"

PANEL 3 - KARATE KID Karate Chops CHAMELEON BOY to death, smashes table with fist. Juice glass is sent flying vertically into the air.

CHAMELEON BOY: "But why- ACK! *gurgle*"


PANEL 4 - STAR BOY stands up, gets Karate Kicked to the face . . . TO DEATH.

STAR BOY: "No! Not my NOSE! *gurgle*"


PANELS 5 & 6 - KARATE KID pauses, catches falling glass of Space Juice in an outstretched hand with a Karate Catch. Drinks it down, then throws glass into the wall, shattering it. Assumes Kung-Fu stance.


PANEL 7 - KARATE KID runs back out the broken door.

This time with Ultra Boy and Element Lad. I'll write some new dialog or whatever later.

8. Issue 9 - Bouncing Boy reinvents Crunk, poppin' n' lockin' and breakdancing for the 31st Century.

But disaster strikes when Supergirl headspins through an entire planet! Can the LSH stop this by Stomping The Yard?

9. Clearly, have never actually read a single issue of The Legion of Super-Heroes.

Does that JLA thing count? You know, with Dream Girl and Dr. Destiny and the multiple Batmen? No? Okay then.

10. Issue 7 - Supergirl, Superboy and Krypto steal everyone's flight rings, then proceed to fly around them in circles going "WOOOOOOO!" and play keep-away.

Later, Cosmic Boy cries, walks off muttering "21st century people are such assholes."

11. In shocking issue 10 reveal, The Fatal Five all revealed to be several hundreds of generations removed descendants of The Jackson Five! Decide to kill the Legion with upbeat R&B.

TITLE CAPTION: "Murder - As Easy as A, B, C, 1, 2, 3!"

12. Sun Boy and Shadow Lass VS. Kid Quantum and Princess Projectra! In Future Mexico!

. . .for no other reason than I want to see them running around in Luchadora masks and yelling their names.

13. Issue 11 - Forget that Justice League crossover: Dream Girl now finds herself in the 1970's!

She has zany adventures and learns about life, love and disco from a young Black Lightning and John Travolta.

14. Seriously, I've never even watched that new cartoon show version they've put out. I'm just ganking names off of Wikipedia at random here. I suppose I should YouTube the cartoon . . .

*blinks* . . . I take back what I said about Timber Wolf and replace his name with Brainiac 5.

15. Would have Light Lass and Phantom Girl spend all of issue 25 talking about how LSH's utopian society was achieved via the judicious application of Socialist Health Care, Environmental Protection, Science free of regulation by Religious Officials (i.e. the total, actual Separation of Church and State) and most importantly, the forceful overthrow of corrupt American government leaders in the early 21st Century.

Oh, and I guess they'd also fight some robots or something.

16. Infectious Lass teaches your kids about STDs! With visual aides!

You know what? Alien pustules on alien genitalia don't even have to look like anything naughty, even if that's exactly what they are. Take that, Comics Code Authority!

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