Friday, October 29, 2010

Feed My Frankenstein

So, look, ordinarily I love Chris Sims to death. Dude's straight up awesome. Unfortunately, he has created a Frakenstein made up of superheroes that he has declared "the best monster of all time". Respectfully, I must disagree to the utmost degree. Guns? Fair Play? The man's thinking way too small here.

Let's think about Frankensteins, shall we? What do they fear most? Fire, of course, and villagers with pitchforks. Naturally, then the first step of making an awesome Superhero Frankenstein would be handling the fire issue.

The head of my Superstein would be that of Superman, of course. A smart fellow who also can summon forth gusts of icy Cold Breath. X-Ray and Telescopic Vision would reveal angry mobs ages before they showed up. Additionally, since his head would also have Heat Vision, it may help him come to terms with the inherent pyrophobia.

An invulnerable torso wouldn't suck either. I'd say Colossus' torso (Classic Claremont costume) would be best both for functionality and for style points. Also, all that metal would conduct any life-generating electricity pretty darn well, I'd imagine.

I don't begrudge Mr. Sims for his love of guns - projectile weapons would be wonderful for any Frankenstein. That said, he's a Superstein. As they say in Inception, don't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Left Arm? The Silver Fucking Surfer's. I imagine blasts of the Power Cosmic would pretty much vaporize an entire village of angry mobs in minutes.

Of course, balance is an issue. Having both arms being projectile-based isn't wise. Somebody might be stupid/lucky enough to get in close. Naturally, we need a close combat option. As a result, the Right Arm? Totally Wolverine's (Orange and Brown costume, please). Unbreakable, regenerates, has huge-ass deadly metal claws (that match the Surfer arm and Colossus torso).

This leaves us the bottom torso and legs of the Superstein. The bottom torso/waist needs to be Batman's, as everyone knows and Catwoman can testify that Batman's always well-equipped below the waist. Yes, my Superstein will have Batman's kickin' Utility Belt to help him break out of laboratories/traps/burning buildings. Why, what were you thinking? Pervs.

Lastly, the Superstein's legs! Sims went for disturbingly sexy instead of practical, but hey, why not both? Jesse Quick A.K.A. Liberty Belle's legs would be perfect. Whether or not you'd go with her impractical new Justice League outfit or her delightfully practical JSA slacks is between you and your God. Personally, I say slacks - more Frankenstein-y. Plus, nifty red boots!

And since Sims had to add facial hair as a piece de resistance, I must cover Superman's face with Tony Stark's trademark Goatee. The Goatee will also designate the Superstein as an Evil Superstein per Alternate Universe Rules, so it will serve a double purpose as both warning and badassery.

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns about how awesome my Superstein would be?

(P. S. If anybody actually drew this, I'd love you forever).

ETA: I am a Bad Nerd and didn't realize that the Frankenstein Challenge had to consist solely of DEAD superheroes (obvious, in hindsight). So, quick changes here before I have to run off to work. May modify later.

Head - The Vision (Intangible or Super Hard, Heat Gem, Smart, Already Kind of A Frankenstein)

Upper Torso - Thunderbird I (Mutant, Invulnerable, bright colors!)

Left Arm - Abin Sur (Green Lantern ring? Check!)

Right Arm - Elongated Man (We've lost claws but gained an ability to tie up villagers with his own arm)

Lower Torso - Nightcrawler (We lose the awesome belt but we gain both a prehensile tail, an ability to teleport and previous familiarity with rampaging villagers)

Legs - Scarlet Spider (We lose the sexy but in death, his ability to walk up walls and nimbly kick people in the face will mean more than he ever did in life.)


Anonymous said...

Do i have to say Frankenstein was the man not the monster?

K. D. Bryan said...

Dear Anonymous,

Hey! Funny you should mention that!

Also? This.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Guy With The English Degree Who Knows When To Capitalize "I" and Add Commas When Necessary.